When is Someone Going to Let ME Make a Transformers Movie?

So I just got out of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The IMAX Experience. That's a lot of colons. (By the way, props to the Maryland Science Center for finally showing Hollywood movies in their IMAX theater! I've been lobbying for this for years--or at least since The Dark Knight came out last summer. No more Fake IMAX at AMC for me!)

Anyway, as I was saying, TF:ROTF:TIE. Where do we begin? This flick fails on so many levels, not least of which are the Stepin Fetchbots that have been getting the brunt of the negative press. More on them later. I think a lot of my problems with this movie are the same ones I had with the first one: mainly, the robot designs are too busy and indistinguishable, the human characters are corny, the action is hard to follow, the humor is crass, and the storyline is nonsensical (or maybe non-existent?). Only these problems have been magnified a thousand fold.

For instance, I read that were dozens of more robots. I wouldn't know because they all look exactly alike. Especially the Decepticons. You know how I could tell the difference between Megatron and Starscream when they were on screen together? I couldn't! Everyone's a jumbled mess of chrome and metal. And the human characters are even worse this time around. Everytime Sam's parents were on camera, I wanted to shove a Decepticon probe-bot in my eye sockets. Seriously, whoever thought a scene in which Sam's mom gets high on "special" brownies must have been high on "special" brownies.

Oh, Michael Bay. Sometimes "awesome" doesn't equal "good." As I mentioned, I saw the IMAX cut of the flick. Like Christopher Nolan did last summer in The Dark Knight, Bay and co. actually shot several scenes using an IMAX camera. Like TDK, the aspect ratio changes whenever an IMAX scene occurs and the image fills the 50-foot screen. Unlike Nolan, though, there is no rhyme or reason to his use of IMAX footage. In The Dark Knight, whole swathes of the movie were filmed and presented in IMAX--like aerial establishing shots of Gotham, the opening bank heist, the Bat-Pod chase, and the climax. In TF2, Bay cuts back and forth between IMAX footage and standard 35-mm footage IN THE SAME SCENE! Not only is it distracting, it's pointless. Whenever Dark Knight switched aspect ratios, it was meant to put the viewer directly into the scene. Nolan had each IMAX shot last several seconds so you could take in the whole scope and breadth of the scene you were witnessing. With the constant cutting between 35-mm and 70-mm in Transformers, the effect is actually the opposite. Rather than being enveloped by the experience, you're being jarred in and out of the scene.

(WARNING: The rest of this review will be full of SPOILERS! You've been warned.)

The only time IMAX really worked was during the forest battle near the beginning of the film. This scene worked for two reasons: one, Bay limits the shifting aspect ratio and keeps most of the scene in IMAX, and two, with the characters fighting on the green background of the forest, you could actually see and comprehend the action.

The battle in the forest is also the setting of Optimus Prime's "death." I had the feeling this was coming from some of the trailers. It was a much cooler death than the one Prime got in the animated movie 25 years ago. (I'll never forgive Hot Rod for getting Prime killed!) My only issue was the fact that they were killing off Prime in only the second movie. Fortunately (or not) Prime gets resurrected during the end battle (using the Matrix of Leadership no less!) so that was cool. Speaking of "deaths," Sam visits Autobot Heaven. To which I say, WTF?!

So let's break the flick down into the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY:

GOOD: the aforementioned forest battle is cool (though the whole time I was thinking, why aren't the other Autobots helping Optimus? Why is he taking on five Decepticons alone? It's not like the others weren't around). I also like Soundwave as a satelite (and that his voice sounds like he did on the cartoon! Yay!) with his projectiles transforming into Ravage (what, no love for Lazerbeak?). I also really like Optimus' heroic unveiling in the beginning of the movie when he was airdropped over Shanghai. That's how you make an entrance! I also appreciated references to the Matrix of Leadership and Energon.

BAD: Um, everything else? The human Decepticon (again, WTF?!), the annoying roommate, the blurry CGI. Seriously, why spend hundreds of millions on ILM when the finished product is just a bunch of grey and green blurs on the screen? Also, how can you ruin the Constructicons? Devastator was one of the coolest toys when I was a kid. Construction vehicles that can combine into a giant mega robot? Awesome. For some reason, though, these Constructicons combine into a lumbering gorilla-bot, with mechanical testicles by the way, that can barely move. What's the point, really?

Maybe it's just me, but I also got a strong anti-Obama streak throughout. He's clearly POTUS in the flick. There's mention of him being evacuated to a bunker during the Decepticon assault. But that isn't what bugged me. Instead, I thought the NSA pencil-pusher character was a veiled criticism of this administration's "diplomacy first" foreign policy. There's a scene in which said pencil-pusher, on direct orders from POTUS, tells Josh Duhamel's Marine character that they are basically going to sit down and negotiate with Megatron. I was waiting for him to finish his sentence with "without preconditions."

UGLY: What? Other than Megan Fox's collagen implants? Rimshot.

Seriously, though. Who came up with Mudflap and Skids? I know Jazz (who's my favorite Autobot, by the way) from the first flick got some flack for being too "urban", but it's as if the writers thought to themselves, let's take that criticsim and make it even more offensive. Like I said, Jazz was my favorite Transformer (too bad Scatman Crothers couldn't do the voice in the first movie), but I don't recall him being a jive-talking robot. Also, it isn't just the fact that Mudflap and Skids speak in "urban slang." They also happen to be illiterate buffoons with giant bug-eyes and gold teeth that serve no other purpose than to be laughed at. In other words, they're minstrels in disguise.

Bottom line is that I disliked Transformers 2 so much that not only am I not going to buy the DVD, I'm going to sell my copy of Transformers 1 to a used DVD store.

Yellow: American Dream, Chinese Ambition

Just got contacted by the filmmakers of the short Yellow. Check out their YouTube channel here. You can see a teaser and a behind-the-scenes with the cast and crew embedded below:

Secret Identities in New York

This past weekend was a banner one for SECRET IDENTITIES as we held two stellar events in New York City. The first one was a reception and panel at the Time Life Building for Time Warner's Asian American Association. Joining the editors (Jeff, Keith, Jerry, and Jef) were comic superstars Cliff Chiang and Christine Norrie. The panel was moderated by DC/Vertigo's incomparable editor extraordinaire Pornsak Pichetshote.

Before the panel, though, there was a wine and cheese reception on the second floor of the building where original artwork from SECRET IDENTITIES was on display. In addition to original pages from stories in the book, some artists also contributed brand new pieces for the gallery. The editors only regret is that they weren't able to stay long at the reception!

Then, on Saturday, the legendary Larry Hama joined Cliff and Christine (and Keith, Jerry, Jef) for a really cool signing at Midtown Comics in Times Square! I think I speak for the whole SI team when I say that it was an honor and a privelege to be at the same table with people as great and cool as Larry, Christine and Cliff! Also, big shout out to all the fans that showed up to get their books scribbled in and especially to the staff and crew of Midtown. You guys are the best!

And be sure to check out Jerry Ma as he looks back at the week that was on his blog at epic props. While you're at it, peep the video interview embedded below shot by the fine folks at PopCultureShock.com!

Goonies Never Say Die!

This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. In honor of Empire's 20th anniversary, they allowed Steven Spielberg to "guest edit" the mag (like what Wired did with JJ Abrams last month.)

The result? Spielberg got Dick Donner and the cast of "Goonies" together for a photo shoot! Empire has some behind the scenes video of the reunion. How awesome is that?

This awesome!

I love that Data hasn't really changed at all in two decades. But what happened to Chunk?! I don't know about you guys, but I would love to see a Goonies II: All Grown Up!

Shuffled Part One

So I originally wrote this up for Boston Progress Radio's Shuffled column a while back, but since they've yet to post it, I figured I'd throw it up on here. Who knows? Maybe I'll turn it into a running feature to generate some content on this thing.

Basically, I put my iPod on "shuffle" and wrote about the first five songs that popped up. This was the case on March 9:


“Travelin’ Man”
DJ Honda f. Mos Def
This has got to be my all-time favorite track from the Mighty Mos Def. I think the song has a lot more resonance for me now that I travel a lot more than I used to—which is especially tough when you have a baby girl at home that you can’t stand to be away from (everybody: “awwww”). The version I have is slightly different from the one most people know about. The chorus on mine goes “I’m leavin’ on a jet plane/I don’t know when I’ll be back again/Kiss me and smile for me/tell me that you’ll wait for me/Hold me like you know I’ll never go/even though you know I will…” I’m not sure why mine’s different. I guess I’m special like that.

“Respiration”
Black Star f. Common
I guess my iPod is taking me to task for claiming “Travelin’ Man” as my favorite Mos Def track. I remember one of my boys back in college lending me the Black Star CD. While I dug what I was listening to; as soon as it got to “Respiration,” that was it. I was hooked. I love everything about this song. From the opening dialog and intro in Spanish to Kweli’s breathless delivery, everything just works. It’s an introspective ode to city life that doesn’t dumb it down or glamorize it. And Hi-Tek’s beat is just absolutely grimy. But my favorite aspect of the song is how beautiful the wordplay is. I even used to teach it in my Creative Writing classes—which probably explains why I don’t teach high school anymore. “Heard the bass ride out like an ancient mating call/I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathin’/Chest heavin’, against the flesh of the evening/Sigh before we die like the last train leaving.” I’m telling you, playing that isht in an English classroom will blow a 15-year-old’s mind, and hopefully turn them on to some real hip-hop in the process.

“Turntable Mathematics”
The Mountain Brothers
It seems that I don’t listen to any music post- 1999. And now that I think about it, that’s probably true. Anyway, I headed up an Asian American Student group when I was an undergrad, and one of our crowning achievements was getting the MBs and DJ Roli Rho of 5th Platoon to headline at ODU. It was a dope show, too. We had a bunch of local hip hop groups, turntablists, and dance crews do their business. Afterwards, we took them all out to an IHOP till 3 in the morning. Good times. It’s interesting that this is the MB song that popped up on my iPod, considering it’s essentially a Chops solo cut. Even though he’s best known as a producer, I always liked him as an emcee. Apparently, he’s also the only MB still making music, too. I read on Wikipedia that Peril-L and Styles are doctors now. Hurm…

“I’m Not a Hero”
Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard
It figures that the first non-1990s hip hop track to show up would come from the original score to The Dark Knight. Considering that my iPod is overloaded with nerd movie film scores, I’m surprised it took that long to get to this one. (Warning: the following is going to get super geeky, so feel free to skip down to the next write-up.) So yeah, people gave a lot of crap to Christopher Nolan and company when they decided to eschew the familiar Danny Elfman theme for 2005’s Batman Begins. I was not one of them. While Zimmer & Howard’s score doesn’t have anything as instantly iconic as Danny Elfman’s, it makes up for it in unadulterated atmosphere. And just like The Dark Knight took Batman Begins to a whole ‘nother level, the sequel’s score punches you in the neck from the jump and doesn’t stop. “I’m Not a Hero” is actually a combination of two different cues from the movie. The first half covers the introduction of nocturnal Gotham, from Gordon by the Bat-Signal to Batman busting up a drug deal in a parking garage. The second half is the music from the scenes in Hong Kong. And when the percussion really kicks in? Goddamn. It makes me want to dive off a skyscraper. But in a good way.

“Birthday”
The Sugarcubes
People bitch about MTV, but honestly, without it, my musical tastes in middle school would have been way shittier. I mean, I lived in a small-ass town in the middle of Virginia. The closest record store was in a mall 45 minutes away. But thank god we had cable. If it weren’t for shows like 120 Minutes or Yo! MTV Raps, I’d probably still be listening to Poison or Def Leppard right now. (I don’t care what none of y’all say, the album Hysteria is awesome sauce.) So I remember one late Sunday night, I caught the video for this song on MTV, and I was instantly intrigued by the cute-in-a-weird-and-crazy-way singer. At the time, I assumed Björk was Asian and was surprised MTV had any Asian-y people on the network. A couple years later, I was perusing a used record store and found an old cassette of Life’s Too Good, remembered the video and bought it on the spot. It’s still a great album, full of really unique and chaotic energy. That said, I never truly understood the late 80s trend of having a weird dude talk/speak throughout a song. Dude’s like the Flavor Flav to Björk’s Chuck D. Who knew the Sugarcubes needed a hype man?

My Acting Debut (and Swan Song)

I've been looking for this for years. Thank god for YouTube!

Originally airing on May 3, 1988, this Mister Rogers' Neighborhood episode was called "Kindness and Unkindness Part 2".

Bat Symbolism

This is nothing but awesome sauce.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.